A.I: Artificial Interest (An Odyssey)

An Odyssey
Chapter 1

A.I:

Artificial Interest

Speechless. Confused. Blank face. Paralyzed.

One, if not all, of these expressions were part of the reaction to a question notorious for questioning the very core of me.

The question(s)?

“What sets you apart from the rest? What do you have to give, to offer?”

Blank face. Paralyzed.

“Why should I care? Why should I listen or pay attention? Why should anyone?”

Speechless. Confused.

These questions were provoked from brainstorming about my brand: BMynroe; sincere questions that came from trusted friends--evolving into something much more monumental than the improving my image.

Constructive criticism is something I’ve had to learn to accept and utilize—an uphill battle for sure.

Tough skin I possess but defensive I am.

Little did I realize the mental and spiritual expedition that I incidentally was set upon in order to find the answers.

“You’ll know my life when you see it—full of phases, journeys to self-discovery and junk!”

The fact that it has taken me over a year to come close to understanding is evidence of such quest.

“I have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.”

-Mark Twain, The Innocents Aboard

Bedlam or Odyssey?

“I believe the process of going from confusion to understanding is a precious, even emotional, experience that can be the foundation of self-confidence.”

-Brian Greene

My last blog was August 19, 2014.

And in that time there were so many thoughts, so many ideas yet nothing to say or no life to offer—just words formed into sentences.

Living within a paradox within a paradox.

This predicament bothered me, it hung over me with each passing week that my blog went untouched. But I found solace in knowing my conscious would never rest knowing that I had posted a piece that my heart wasn’t into--the fear and disdain of any devoted writer.

Not only was I bothered, unmotivated—I was confused.

 “I don’t understand. I don’t know. I don’t have the answer as to why and what and how.”

I was confused as to the motive of many things going about in my life. I was jumbling so many thoughts and possible conclusions. So many people, so many opportunities, so many alternatives—round and round I went.

Like a child spins and spins—hands carelessly moving through the air, where she stops no one knows, not even her. All of the things that are— become blurred and a passing memory only to be presented again and again—yet she continues to spin.

 

The moment she stops—the moment of trying to figure out what is—dizzy while standing still—is the place I’ve been residing.

Dizzy.

Does a child obtain mental and emotional scars from picking themselves off the ground after unsuccessfully finding their footing? Does a child ever apologize for putting themselves in a whirlwind in the first place?

More than likely, no.

So taking a page out of a child’s lifestyle manual—I laughed and smiled—all while possibly falling over myself.

Spinning.

It’s amazing what comes to be when you have no expectations.

In order to find the answers I had to be willing to allow myself to be and stay confused, allow myself to wander, allow myself to let go and go—not knowing where I was going…exactly…?

Try explaining an explanation as to why you have no explanation…to yourself.

Dizzy!!!

A Trip without Directions

“True remorse is never just regret over consequences; it is regret over motive.”

-Mignon McLaughlin

Over the last year, I’ve had a whirlwind of jobs.

I had a “Coming to Jesus” meeting with myself with one. The money was good, the hours not too bad and I was good at it!

“The best that we’ve had in a long time”, I heard in reviews of my performance. Enough to keep me happy…right?

Right…

I was faced with issues that I thought I had faced once before, only to be corrected.

Issues such as self-value, self-respect and self-preservation—are among the few that I battled every time I found myself stepping within my job title.

I was confronted with either “settling and allowing this” or “politely declining and walking away”.

Conforming vs Unpredictable

As another work day dawned, I walked into the building like any other day—smiled at my supervisor and causally and politely returned company items— and quit on the spot.

“Why?” he asked out of what perceived as routine.

“My time is up. Time for me to go.” I said with tears in my eyes.

Now that I say it myself, I realize how mundane the excuse sounded but was the perfect explanation—based on the things that were to come. 

My heart was heavy, as I finished out my last and final day. The people whom I had grown fond of and added glimmer to my work days, met me with surprised and disappointing expressions that slowly turned into understanding.

Hurt felt in the departing words and hugs.

My departure was inevitable. It was apparent to everyone it seems but me.  My time there was only for a limited time—leaving only memories and footprints.

I was here.

As I drove home, I slowly fell into a daze and developed a lump in my throat.

And then I begin to analyze the present facts:  I was unemployed, with no plan in sight.

“Oh Shit! What did I just do?” I managed to ask myself under panicked breath.

The next question hit me in the gut with full force and would have sent me to my knees had I not been driving:

“What now?”

What Now? 

“Times of great calamity and confusion have been productive for the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace. The brightest thunder-bolt is elicited from the darkest storm.”

-Charles Caleb Colton

I sit on my throne-- the middle of my bed—slipping into comatose one second, then reassurance. A pendulum of emotions, questions and scenarios.   

Voice in Head: “What now?”

Me: “Let’s watch and see.”

Feeling a little less panicked, I verged into curiosity.

I was willing to walk into the unknown.

Less than 48 hours—I had a new job, a promotion really, that provided benefits and opportunities that were unheard of on my previous job. New job. New Year!

After I ended the call of my acceptance—I fell into a trance. With the phone still in my hand, I got passing glimpses of what was to come and whispers of answers to unasked questions--nothing made sense!

Spinning. Spinning. Spinning.

A month within my job, I got notification from a college friend whom has a kindred spirit and similar interests. She had been so supportive during my BMynroe 2014 Summer promotion—something I thank her for every chance I get.

She had presented an opportunity I didn’t expect but had been one of the many underlying missions of my life.

Irony much?

“We would like to feature you in our magazine! Would you be interested in something like that?”

She messaged with such excitement based on the response time.

Did I automatically jump for joy? Did I suddenly scream out with excitement? Did I smirk and say a condescending comment under my breath?

No, nothing of the sort.

I froze!

I read the message over and over again.

Staring blankly within the screen as if I had just had an “Encounter with the 3^rd Kind”—my mind galaxies away.

“Respond!” my inner voice commanded—bringing me back to Earth.

“Are you asking me to appear in the magazine?” I asked sheepishly.

“Of course and an interview too.” She said in a matter of fact tone.

Spinning. Spinning. Spinning. SPINNING!

After I humbly accepted the invitation and set a date for the phone interview—I remained still; a statue—frozen in time and in thought.
It would have made one hell of a masterpiece, if I do say so myself.

When I relayed such information to close family and friends—their reaction more evident that mine. It wasn’t because I wasn’t excited or ecstatic! If anything, I was feeling it all so much that I automatically went into “rest mode” so I wouldn’t overload!

I was in shock!

Emotions and thoughts evolving more than my mind could process. If only I could have expressed the emotions I had inside, the party in my mind.

WHO ME? I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! THIS IS AMAZING!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

*DANCING ERRATICALLY IN FALLING CONFETTI*

                          x          

“BMynroe” was introduced in print thanks to the April 2015 issue of MissLady Magazine, based out of Little Rock and Central Arkansas. I am forever grateful and blessed to have such a beautiful correlation take place in my life.

There will never be enough words of gratitude that I can express, mainly because it came within the events of me having no answers and no plan.

Just wandering.

And I am still wandering.

I am still on an “Odyssey”. A journey that seems to have no apparent directions but is leading me towards things that my potent imagination couldn’t breed; leaving me with something I didn’t know I was missing: surprise.

I am no longer frozen in fear or confused with paradoxes that seem to be part of everyday life. No more blank stares as the automatic expression—still an expression though.

I would be a fool to not continue to live the journey and invest in this expedition that I have embarked on with positivity, excitement and faith in tow— not knowing the outcome but convinced that it will be amazing, interesting and pretty damn epic.

“Trust instinct to the end, even though you can give no reason.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson 

-BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise McKinney)