A rabbits hole resided by Courage, Fashion, Dreams, Laughs and Passion, decorated in Glitter and Makeup; powered by Words, Music, Fears and Tears; weathered by occasional Havoc and Chaos; terrain consisted of dark Valleys and the highest Peaks. My heart leads the way, trying to find the answer to the haunting question: "Who Are You?"....
One, if not all, of
these expressions were part of the reaction to a question notorious for
questioning the very core of me.
“What sets you apart from the rest? What do you have
to give, to offer?”
“Why should I care? Why should I listen or pay
attention? Why should anyone?”
These questions were
provoked from brainstorming about my brand: BMynroe;
sincere questions that came from trusted friends--evolving into something much
more monumental than the improving my image.
Constructive criticism is something I’ve had to learn to accept and utilize—an uphill battle for
Tough skin I
possess but defensive I am.
Little did I realize the
mental and spiritual expedition that I incidentally was set upon in order to
find the answers.
“You’ll know my
life when you see it—full of phases, journeys to self-discovery and junk!”
The fact that it has
taken me over a year to come close to understanding is evidence of such quest.
a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make
Twain, The Innocents Aboard
Bedlam or Odyssey?
believe the process of going from confusion to understanding is a precious,
even emotional, experience that can be the foundation of self-confidence.”
My last blog was August
And in that time there
were so many thoughts, so many ideas yet nothing to say or no life to
offer—just words formed into sentences.
Living within a
paradox within a paradox.
bothered me, it hung over me with each passing week that my blog went untouched.
But I found solace in knowing my conscious would never rest knowing that I had
posted a piece that my heart wasn’t into--the fear and disdain of any devoted
Not only was I bothered,
unmotivated—I was confused.
don’t understand. I don’t know. I don’t have the answer as to why and what and
I was confused as to the
motive of many things going about in my life. I was jumbling so many thoughts
and possible conclusions. So many people, so many opportunities, so many
alternatives—round and round I went.
Like a child spins and
spins—hands carelessly moving through the air, where she stops no one knows,
not even her. All of the things that are— become blurred and a passing memory
only to be presented again and again—yet she continues to spin.
The moment she stops—the
moment of trying to figure out what is—dizzy while standing still—is the place
I’ve been residing.
Does a child obtain
mental and emotional scars from picking themselves off the ground after
unsuccessfully finding their footing? Does a child ever apologize for putting
themselves in a whirlwind in the first place?
More than likely, no.
So taking a page out of a
child’s lifestyle manual—I laughed and smiled—all while possibly falling over
It’s amazing what comes
to be when you have no expectations.
In order to find the
answers I had to be willing to allow myself to be and stay confused, allow
myself to wander, allow myself to let go and go—not knowing where I was
Try explaining an explanation as
to why you have no explanation…to yourself.
A Trip without Directions
“True remorse is never just regret over
consequences; it is regret over motive.”
Over the last year, I’ve
had a whirlwind of jobs.
I had a “Coming to Jesus” meeting with myself
with one. The money was good, the hours not too bad and I was good at it!
“The best that we’ve had in a long time”, I heard in reviews of my
performance. Enough to keep me happy…right?
I was faced with issues
that I thought I had faced once before, only to be corrected.
Issues such as self-value, self-respect
among the few that I battled every time I found myself stepping within my job
I was confronted with
either “settling and allowing this”
or “politely declining and walking away”.
Conforming vs Unpredictable
As another work day
dawned, I walked into the building like any other day—smiled at my supervisor
and causally and politely returned company items— and quit on the spot.
“Why?” he asked out of
what perceived as routine.
“My time is up. Time for
me to go.” I said with tears in my eyes.
Now that I say it
myself, I realize how mundane the excuse sounded but was the perfect
explanation—based on the things that were to come.
My heart was heavy, as I
finished out my last and final day. The people whom I had grown fond of and
added glimmer to my work days, met me with surprised and disappointing
expressions that slowly turned into understanding.
Hurt felt in the
departing words and hugs.
My departure was
inevitable. It was apparent to everyone it seems but me. My time there was only for a limited time—leaving
only memories and footprints.
I was here.
As I drove home, I
slowly fell into a daze and developed a lump in my throat.
And then I begin to
analyze the present facts: I was unemployed, with no plan in sight.
“Oh Shit! What did I just do?” I managed to ask myself under
The next question hit me
in the gut with full force and would have sent me to my knees had I not been
of great calamity and confusion have been productive for the greatest minds.
The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace. The brightest thunder-bolt
is elicited from the darkest storm.”
I sit on my throne-- the middle of my bed—slipping into comatose
one second, then reassurance. A pendulum of emotions, questions and
Voice in Head: “What now?”
Me: “Let’s watch and see.”
Feeling a little less
panicked, I verged into curiosity.
I was willing
to walk into the unknown.
Less than 48 hours—I had
a new job, a promotion really, that provided benefits and opportunities that were
unheard of on my previous job. New job. New Year!
After I ended the call
of my acceptance—I fell into a trance. With the phone still in my hand, I got passing glimpses of what was to come and
whispers of answers to unasked
questions--nothing made sense!
Spinning. Spinning. Spinning.
A month within my job, I
got notification from a college friend whom has a kindred spirit and similar
interests. She had been so supportive during my BMynroe 2014 Summer promotion—something I thank her for
every chance I get.
She had presented an opportunity I didn’t
expect but had been one of the many underlying missions of my life.
“We would like to feature you in our magazine! Would you be interested
in something like that?”
She messaged with such
excitement based on the response time.
Did I automatically jump
for joy? Did I suddenly scream out with excitement? Did I smirk and say a
condescending comment under my breath?
No, nothing of the sort.
I read the message over
and over again.
Staring blankly within
the screen as if I had just had an “Encounter
with the 3rd Kind”—my mind galaxies away.
“Respond!” my inner voice commanded—bringing me back to Earth.
“Are you asking me to appear in the magazine?” I asked sheepishly.
“Of course and an interview too.” She said in a matter of fact tone.
Spinning. Spinning. SPINNING!
After I humbly accepted
the invitation and set a date for the phone interview—I remained still; a
statue—frozen in time and in thought.
It would have made one hell of a masterpiece, if I do say so myself.
When I relayed such
information to close family and friends—their reaction more evident that mine. It
wasn’t because I wasn’t excited or ecstatic! If anything, I was feeling it all
so much that I automatically went into “rest mode” so I wouldn’t overload!
I was in shock!
Emotions and thoughts
evolving more than my mind could process. If only I could have expressed the
emotions I had inside, the party in my mind.
WHO ME? I CAN’T
BELIEVE THIS! THIS IS AMAZING!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!
ERRATICALLY IN FALLING CONFETTI*
“BMynroe” was introduced
in print thanks to the April 2015 issue of MissLady
Magazine, based out of Little Rock and Central Arkansas. I am forever
grateful and blessed to have such a beautiful correlation take place in my
There will never be enough words of gratitude
that I can express, mainly because it came within the events of me having no
answers and no plan.
And I am still
I am still on an “Odyssey”.
A journey that seems to have no apparent directions but is leading me towards
things that my potent imagination couldn’t breed; leaving me with something I
didn’t know I was missing: surprise.
I am no longer frozen in
fear or confused with paradoxes that seem to be part of everyday life. No more blank
stares as the automatic expression—still an expression though.
I would be a fool to not continue to live the
journey and invest in this expedition that I have embarked on with positivity,
excitement and faith in tow— not knowing the outcome but convinced that it will
be amazing, interesting and pretty damn epic.
instinct to the end, even though you can give no reason.”