Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Tough Road of Forgiving





The Tough Road Of Forgiving

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Then Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”
-Matthew 18:21-22 NIV
          
     Forgive, forgiving, forgave. Forgiveness, such an interesting word, emotion and action. It is indeed a triple threat. And something I struggle horribly with everyday.
         
    There really isn’t enough encouragement in the world to forgive. In many ways, there is a non-verbal protest against it. Yet there isn’t enough truth to the path of forgiveness either.
         
      No one speaks enough about how hard and painful the path is. No one speaks of the doubt, the confusion and the rebellion that one has when considering forgiveness. No one says how forgiveness can look so diseased and irrelevant, even though history shows how praised such transgression is.
          
                No one notes the contradiction it tends to feel like.
          
       The way forgiveness has been interpreted in my life, for many years, whether it is family, personal issues, my pride, et cetra, is very black and white, being ridiculed for either outcome of forgiveness.
          
         If you forgive, you look like a punk and weak. If you don’t forgive you are a cold and mean soul.
         
       My thought process consisted of such: “Why should I forgive if it only is to happen again? Why put myself out there, give another chance only to have it thrown back into my face? Why add insult to injury? Why show I’ am weak?” To me forgiveness equaled weakness.
       
     I would roll my eyes at people who had forgiven and get even more annoyed at the people whom were granted forgiveness. It made me very resentful, bitter and angry but mostly sad that I felt such against it.

         I’ am not claiming to be the hardest woman in the world. I’ am not saying that I do not have feelings or that things do not bother me because that is a stone cold lie but I am notorious for having a poker face and keeping my true emotions hidden from the surface (something I can’t control and I subconsciously do!).

          Memories and events that happened 20 years ago still cause pain and I have yet forgiven. Add that along with recent pain makes a very heavy burden. It’s so heavy. It sits right on my shoulders weighing me down and nagging me, forgiveness a long way off. Angry that the very things that hurt me, are the very things I carry around (“a chip on my shoulder” is an understatement.).

         But the question is: “If it is written that I will be given the task to forgive over and over, numerous people at numerous times, why hold on to it? Why add weight to the world on my shoulders?”

         I am going to be honest, forgiveness sometimes feel like giving the abuser, place, event an upper hand. It seems like giving in and giving up on my dignity and pride. I will not lie.

          Am I perfect? I’ am so far from that road. Have I done things that could be deemed as unforgiveable? Yes. So what makes me so special that I can be given forgiveness and others are not? Egotistical much?
   
       Like I said, it feels and looks like a contradiction.

          I say all of that to say this: I am a work in progress. My life, my way of thinking, my ways are all work in progress. I am not striving to be perfect nor do I want to be. I am not trying to be something or someone that I am not. I’ am living my life and with that comes times that I am so hurt by, so angry with, so in denial about. But what I do know and will stand by is that I not the person I once was and I may not be where I want to be but I am not where I was.

         Forgiving is one of the battles and tests I am facing at the moment and it isn’t just forgiving external enemies, it’s internal as well. I must first understand forgiveness and forgive myself for whatever the case may be.

          In order to live my life to the fullest, reach my full potential, I have to release all the weight that is chained to me. Finding the courage to love and forgive my enemies and be at peace and find joy is one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced in my life but I love myself too much, my God too much, to be such a brat that I am causing more harm than good to myself. Reaching such point is horrifying but is such a blessing in disguise for me. I’ am going to master this tough road of forgiving, might as well seeing as how it is a road I will meet and go down through many times for the rest of my days.

“When they kept on questioning him; he straightened up and said to them, If any one you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”
-John 8:7 NIV
         
xoxo,
@BMynroe 
RaChelle-Denise McKinney