BMynroe I Am and This Is "miUNREALity": 01/01/2014

Yearning for the Present

A Tale of a State of Mind Gone Awry

“But what if this happens…What if this goes wrong…What if I can’t do it…How will I ever recover…I could have done such a better job…What if they laugh at me…What if?”

I've confessed in the past about my tendency to be self-absorbed. I've confessed being high-maintenance and at times superficial. I've confessed that I am a control freak and slip into living as a double-standard. I've aired plenty of my dirty laundry.

Considering the things that I will forever keep to myself and take to the grave,

What else could I possibly confess?

….

I don’t live in the moment.

∞

As simple as that statement may seem, I assure you it’s not. I have always strived toward being prepared, cross my t’s and dot my i’s. Call it a Virgo trait but I freak out if the smallest detail doesn't correspond with my goal at mind. It’s something that has become substantial in my personality, to who I am.

Rewind back to some time ago…

In times of self-reflection, the few times I allowed myself to, I began to notice how anxious I had become without warning. Being anxious and in a constant state of perfecting detail had become second nature to me and I have to admit that it took its toll on me. It’s hard enough to be pressured by the world that consists of an everyday routine of being told in some way shape or form that you are, what you’re doing isn't good enough.

And trust me when I say that I get that from people who claim they have my best interest at heart; I find it amusing and entertaining to see people try to sell me such fraudulent perspectives. They try so hard. But the one person who I can’t seem to break habit with is I. The pressure I put and allow to be put on myself should be a crime, its borderline catastrophic.

∞

This concept isn't something that just came to me one day. Honestly, I have been suppressing and hiding this fact for a very long time, years even.

I mean, what kind of sense is there in danger to be the best? How can one possibly be harming oneself by striving for excellence? The billion dollar business of self-help fluctuates every year due to people who want to open that door to begin striving for excellence. Some just want the hint of possibility that they feel determined and motivated.

So I would ask myself in times of self-doubt: “Why am I complaining?” and I would swallow that lump in my throat and keep pushing.

But I couldn't ignore how more frequent I had to shake the feeling away and how bigger the lump was each time. Something was off; something bigger than my own strength was wearing me down.

Something was wrong.

∞

I finally begin to play with the possibility that I was doing something wrong, that maybe my outlook and perspective was not healthy and that maybe my push for excellence was doing more harm than good.

So I did what I always do when things come into question for me, I researched and self analyzed. I began reading: “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle; “Yesterday I Cried” by Iyanla Vanzart; “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck, M.D. ---just to name a few.

Of course I read articles on personality and anxiety; I was in search of answers to questions roaming amuck in my head. They needed to be dealt with and put away. I calculated my health into the equation as well: migraines from hell, high-blood pressure, acid reflux—the list was devastating. I also noted my mood as well. I’m naturally stubborn and headstrong, it runs in the women of my family, I am in the running as #2 but I had to admit that I had become so over defensive and stand-offish that I was like a field full of land mines. Hell, sometimes I found myself walking on eggshells with myself.

You may think that is the dumbest and absurd thing to say but I assure you it’s not. It’s really not.

∞

I would go to sleep with my mind running 100 miles per hour, one thing to do jumping to the next, to the next. Forget counting sheep, I counted worries, must-dos and things that needed improving.

I would wake up to an alarm in my head that would be screaming the reminders of the things I drifted off to and the things yet to come. All of this had become normal for me until one day I looked down and saw my Dachshund, Kne-Nu sitting perfectly at my feet; her dark marble eyes staring at me with what I swear to this day looked like concern.

And I remembered this piece of information I had run across randomly, that dogs live in the moment. Dogs do not worry about details, they don’t worry about how they look or the impressions they may give off. Dogs don’t crave much but attention and affection. Their happiness and standards are so simple to satisfy; nothing like mine.

∞

I will never give up my high standards or compromise the pure and true essence of how I am. I would never be able to forgive myself if I did. And I take full responsibility for being a control freak hell bent on perfection, at times.

But what I will focus and work toward giving up is putting up these gigantic hurdles around myself that keep me from enjoying the moment. I will keep myself from internally time-traveling to the long gone past and to the God only knows future.

I have goals that I fight and strive to accomplish but as of at the moment, my only goal is to not care about the goals of the goals…of the goals.