Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

“Mirrors around the house and a room make it appear and feel bigger.”

I was given such home décor advice sitting in a penthouse suite on the top floor of Hyde Park Tower Apartments---overlooking Lake Michigan. I will never forget how elegant and pristine it felt. The advice was accurate; the room looked 4 times bigger than it was. Mirrors from top to bottom covered the front room, forcing my reflection upon me.

My reflection.

I don’t have an upscale apartment that has a breathtaking view, at least not yet but I do try to keep the mirror advice in play. 5 mirrors are randomly placed around my bedroom; once again, forcing me to face my reflection on a daily basis---even when I am not trying to.

I spend a lot of time in front of mirror. I am both skilled and perfecting my skills in makeup, hair and fashion. So being in the mirror is part of the job. If I were to estimate the actual time in a day, it would be 3 hours at least. 3 x 7= 21 hours (roughly). I say roughly because there is no telling how much time I spend in front of the mirror critiquing, doubting and second-guessing---it feels like forever. 

Damn the mirror!

    ∞     

“Two things prevent us from happiness: living in the past and observing others.”

I had come across this on Pinterest while fighting off boredom. I have a board specifically dedicated to “words”: “Trust. And. Believe”. Yet this particular quote stuck with me; so much so that I jotted it down in my journal because somewhere in those “words” was a story—my story.

I’ve stated many times before:

“The most confident are the most doubtful”.

I’ve never seen it, I’ve never heard it instead it came from my heart and from my own experiences. The experience of being so misunderstood under the light of so many unfounded assumptions is one I know all too well.

Thank God for my sister, who sees more than anyone else ever will be allowed to. She has a backstage pass to my life, to my worries, to my fears and my insecurities and never once has she judged me.

Just because she doesn’t judge me doesn’t mean she won't voice her annoyance. And nothing else annoys her more than my constant questioning of my appearance.

“Does this look okay? Do I look like I am trying to hard? Does this lipstick go with this eye? Do I look fat? Should I change my shoes?” Her responses are simply: “Yes. No. Yes. No. No.”

It’s never enough for my satisfaction.

“No, seriously, do I look okay?”

     ∞     

It wasn’t until she began answering the question with a very stern, “Yes, you look so fat” (in efforts to teach and show me a lesson) that I began to understand that I had a problem, a complex.  

I tend to be very insecure about my appearance.

If you follow my multiple social media accounts, you see that I post selfies constantly---showcasing and self-promoting. And if you are human, you can’t help but judge a book by its cover. 

How can a woman, such as me, be insecure about my appearance?

I am a former “fat girl” with a childhood full of wishes to wake up one day and be pretty, if not downright beautiful and have the admiration of those I have watched from the shadows.  I would go out of my way to make myself less appealing and more invisible. Shirts that were 3 sizes over; jeans that were too big and un-ironed; my hair always brushed up into a pinned up pony-tail.  I set out to achieve this appearance because it was the only one I felt fit me, it was the only one I felt comfortable presenting.

I didn’t deserve anything better I told myself.

      ∞     

Fast forward to now.

I am now an intelligent, engaging, attractive woman with beautiful features. This is not pride, this is truth. And because of that truth, my doubt and insecurity seems so out of place.

I have lost that “fat girl” weight but I still have a delusion when I stand in front of the mirror.  I still see that girl who felt so ugly and so unwanted; and no matter how many people praise my beauty or tell me how attractive I am, sometimes I just don’t see it.

It all feels like a lie.

I don’t have the “typical” woman body. I am 6 feet tall, with the measurements of 38-33-42, the biggest cup size I wear is a G and I am most comfortable in a size 12-14. So no, I do not have the typical “dream girl” stature.

I am an Amazon.

When I walk into a room, there is no denying my presence, no matter how much I want to blend in, no matter how much I want to be looked past. And because of that automatic attention, worry is not far behind. I sometimes suffer from public anxiety—running to the bathroom to check my makeup, my hair, and my clothes---in the mirror.

So please believe me when I say that the anxiety is real.

       ∞     

The anxiety comes from comparing myself to others and others standards. I can either see that as a negative or a positive. The negative is quite apparent but what could possibly be positive about such action?

The reason there is so much anxiety consuming me is because of my desire and my passion to be an example to others, an inspiration. Working as a teacher in my hometown, that is more urban than rural—it would surprise most to know that many of the younger generation want so desperately to be led by example. They want someone to mimic, to follow, and to look up to. Hence the major effect that media has taken upon them.

Lil Wanye and Nicki Minaj are the most popular idols these days.

There is so much huff and puff about what needs to be done. There are plenty of heated debates on what action to take and how to execute it. There is so much time and money being invested in the influence over people but the best and most efficient way that I know to send a message is by using one’s self. The best advertisement and billboard is the one we occupy.

Why am I so doubtful? Why am I so worried about my appearance? Why am I so highly critical of myself when there seems no reason to be?

I only have one chance to make a good impression. I, like everyone else, have only one time around in life to set an example and I take that option very seriously and hold it close to my heart. Because that former “fat girl” needs to know she is appreciated and her tears and woes were not in vain. She has more worth and influence than she ever knew.

Yours Truly,

@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise)

#WorkHappy

#WorkHappy

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

 I had become familiar with those specific 5 taps.  It had become part of my daily routine for the last 2 weeks. I had put myself on a strict daily task--carrying out these 5 taps.

All beginning with the thing known as “#”.

Such a powerful thing this simple sign is. It’s like a stamp of promotion, advertising, and popularity.

What kind of person would I be if I were not to take advantage of it as well? I didn't necessary have a “plan” other than to see where it can go?

I wanted to put all of “me” out there. I wanted to showcase what I had to contribute and what I stood for---all beginning with “#”.

My blog, makeup, and fashion are embedded into my creative side. And I share these interests with the world. That is one of the ways I express myself, so why not promote my expressions? It’s not like I would have been the first ever to do it, take advantage of social media---the few to admit it, sure.

I set out to answer the question:

“How much attention can I get?”

∞ 

I was muddled in #OOTD “Outfit Of The Day”; #MOTD “ Makeup Of The Day” and #WWMD “What Would Miley Do” and the constant annoying #YOLO!

Once in awhile, sure but stay the course.

It was a necessary task because I was executing a plan I had set out to achieve. I had done my research---it was not just about a feeding my ego. I really wanted to achieve something. Push past my ego and my pride.

 Whatever one move I make there will be 2 more moves I can play.

Like I tell my classes, strategy—make the dots connect beautifully. Life is nothing more than choices.

∞     

 I will be lying if I said I didn't get tired of “promoting” myself. I was tired of the routine of getting up, putting the face together, then the hair, then the outfit (that’s just the morning). Then off to work to teach my class, carry out assignments, and administer a classroom full of high school students who I demand full attention of---I don’t take my job as a teacher very lightly.

Come home in the evening, take pictures, edit and create them. Brainstorm on how I will send them out into the world, to be seen, to be known.

Strategy.

This went on for about a month. I was growing exhausted of it all. But I had a plan, so I sucked it up and continued to “smile for the camera”.

Focus.

I am so happy to say that I am on “break”—the trial period is over. The rehearsal went well. Now I can take a minute to watch all I've set in motion; developing and thinking of what move to make next.

And things have been set in motion.

∞ 

My hard work and consistency has shown promising results: gaining over 40 followers on Twitter in just 7 days, more recognition on Beautylish (the Makeup Universe); a wide variety of Instagram followers here and there and my blog has gotten more traffic since I've upped my promotion effort. 

Yes, I think it’s safe to say that I am on the right track.

∞ 

What does #WorkHappy have to with it all?  What does it mean exactly?

I truly believe that I am walking in a perfectly disguised blessing. In the last 4 years, I have gained so much knowledge about myself that I honestly never knew existed.

It’s a very pivotal feeling when you realize you had so much within you—so much strength hidden beneath it all, just waiting to be found.

It’s the most humbling feelings and emotions I know of thus far.

Had it not been for the “Orchestrated Chaos” that God set out for me to go through, all the twists and turns, the dips and bumps---I would not be here today to say how truly grateful I am.

I was denied so many opportunities and passed over either  due to insecurity or just disinterest. I was pushed into taking a completely different route than what I had imagined.

“Orchestrated Chaos”- @BMynroe (RaChelle-Denise)

A path and road I was not prepared for but instead was prepared for me.

∞ 

 I know that I am truly blessed to say that I enjoy my work. I am an educator to the next generation, I have a hand in molding, influencing and inspiring someone’s life; helping in whatever way I can in efforts of them becoming the best version of themselves. I am taking part of something bigger than myself and giving more than I receive. That’s #WorkHappy.

I have the time and the opportunity to invest in my makeup, hair and fashion hobby. I am able to seek out, become inspired and be creative in my own talent. I am able to create “BMynroe” to perfection everyday if I wanted—breathe life into her.

 I don’t do it to be told I’m beautiful. I don’t do it because I am not comfortable in my own skin. I don’t do it because I want to “fit in”. I do it because I am skilled at it, I enjoy it and I am passionate for it. Having passion and investing in something you love---that’s #WorkHappy

And then---there’s this.

Me. Writing.

I say all the time how writing is such a big part of my life. I am quite terrified that people will lose that piece of information about me.

I’ve been writing my whole life.

Some people have childhood memories of their family encouraging and rooting for them to excel in sports or grades (which I took seriously anyway) but my memories are being encouraged to write. To put the pen to the paper; tap on the typewriter (my Uncle gave me one for my Christmas), sit and focus on the words to say and how to say them. To make a point and letting people know it---that was and is  one of my “things”, my talents.

∞ 

 I still invest, create and put forth the writer in me. I am familiar with the drive to “create magic” with just pen and paper.

I have a small but so very loyal audience who don’t mind the “scattered gorgeous mess” that is me because they know somewhere in between the lines, I am making a pretty dope point.

Having that as an experience and as my reality—that’s #WorkHappy

Yours Truly,

@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise)