Butterflies

Butterflies

The moon was gorgeous at such late hour. It was so bright and soft, leaving just a tiny bit to the imagination. I had caught a glimpse of it as I walked to my front door to end a very interesting evening.

As I made my way through my dimly lit kitchen, grabbing a bit of lemonade and putting the jingle of my keys to rest---my purse began to vibrate.

I began the task of fumbling through the personals of my life, trying to find the source of the classic “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees. A record that had 10 years on me but I held the upmost respect by setting it as my ringtone.

The name of the caller made me smile but I was curious—I had just seen them if not 30 minutes before. “Is everything okay?”, I wondered as I accepted the call.

I was assured that all was fine but most of all, that my company was greatly enjoyed and how interest in me had definitely been increased due to the evening.

After generating such kindred feeling, I gave my best wishes of their evening and said my good-bye. I took a sip of my over-sweetened lemonade--(I am a Southern Belle) and came to a realization that escaped me all evening. 

“Holy Shit! I just went out on a date!”

∞   

I consider myself to be a pretty relateable person, which is why I spill my glittered guts out in my posts. I hold dear to my heart that my readers know, that I am human and that despite all the makeup and glamour I display, I have hard times too.

But I wouldn't be an appropriate writer or do my audience any justice if I didn't admit that there is one topic that I shy away from: relationships.

It is done intentionally but not for common reasons. I’ve always been very private with my intimate relationships. Due to circumstances and my own personal preference, I keep such things to myself. You would be amazed at how people can take a simple declarative sentence and before you know it, it has turned into a complete drama-filled episode that “Young and the Restless” couldn’t compare to.

People love an exaggerated imaginative story—or in laymen terms: gossip. And I have more gossip surrounding me than I know, I’m sure. So why even add to the persona name-less people have spent such time creating for me? I’ll just stick to the truth.

∞   

The people, who know me well, know that I am not a PDA, loving to be loved, heart on my sleeve woman. I talk more about fashion, makeup and the Kardashians more than I do about my feelings and perspective on love and relationships. And those being the loving and supportive group of humans in my personal circle just chunk it up to me being “wired differently”.

The things they believe just for me.

So why am I speaking of this now? Why am I allowing such a rare insight into the one thing I myself, don’t even allow to consider? Well, I think it’s about damn time!

I see so many of my classmates, college friends and friends exploring and investing into relationships. In this day and age, I am suppose to be married with a baby or at least engaged. Yet here I am completely oblivious to such world, holding the longest relationship of 3 months under my belt. So can you understand how I didn’t realize I was on a date until it was over?

∞   

Now before you throw me a pity party, please save your streamers for another day because as sad and lonely this story may sound, I’ve actually become quite content and acceptable of it. Yet, I can’t deny that I too have moments of “What if?”

I have never pictured my wedding, I’ve never put together what my “perfect guy” is made of—so I’ve never set out to try and create such scenario. I know how strange and unsettling this may sound, based off the facial expressions I get after announcing this—I come off as a “weird one”. It’s amusing to say the least.

∞   

So where do I stand on “love”, “romance” and “relationships”?

I consider love the acceptance of all that I come with: the good, the bad; the beauty and the ugly; the assets and the flaws; the potential and the negatives.

I consider romance as the secret reality between two people in a world of set reality. Romance is a purposeful mission to separate all that’s wrong with the world and creates something beautiful and precious—just for one person, the person of adornment.

I consider relationships to be something created out of extended and voluntary time and effort. It’s an affair that aggrandizes through ups and downs, sun and rain.  It’s an affiliation to another person that you are proud to multiply in your life because of the great faith, love and hope you have in that one person.

I may not talk about it but I get it.

∞   

As far as I go and how it applies to me, I am not against experiencing that. Am I afraid and downright terrified? Yes indeed. Because in doing such, I would have to open up doors that I have passed up many times before. It means I will have to peel back all the layers I have outside and on me. It means I will have to open up and allow that person to see what no one else does, my heart.

And like unwrapped ostentatious merchandise, my heart comes with an instruction manual—one that I am just learning how to decipher.

So I guess the answer as to why dating, love or relationships isn’t one of my top priorities is because I am in the process of finding love, romance and relationship with myself first, before I can hand it off to someone else.

Because in my mind, to such thing without proper prepping would be selfish and an injustice to what so many have proclaimed and valued since the beginning of time: love.

∞   

I’ve grown such patience over these last few years, patience that came with great pain—the best and honorable kind I think. So like the classic, “Sleeping Beauty”, I will continue to wait on he who will introduce me to the world I have been anonymous to—twirling and smiling through a fairy tale I had no idea was in the making.

I don’t know who or where you are, you may be slaying dragons and setting evil queens straight---no rush but know that I will wait for you.

Yours Truly,

@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise)

To Pray or Not To Pray? Why Is It Even A Question?

To Pray or Not to Pray?

Why is it even a question?

I possess a lot of talents and gifts. I have been truly blessed. Among all of my characteristics and abilities, one of the top 3 happens to be that I am a “problem solver”. I am privy and knowledgeable of different strategies and methods to share with family and friends. And the “giver” in me is more than happy to provide them with comfort—in whatever method to help them.

The ironic thing is—it is not the best thing to do with myself. In fact, being a self-proclaimed “problem-solver” has hindered my own judgment with my life. Whenever there is an obstacle or a problem foreseen, I obsess about how I am going to overcome it, when I am going to overcome it and what new problem is waiting around the corner to greet me.

“How am I going to handle that?” a repetitive question.

In doing such, I drown in my thoughts. I make small problems bigger. I invest and give so much time and energy into an attempt to “control” and “conquer” life. Because somewhere deep within me, I fear that I can’t—a haunting and terrifying thought.

I hate the quiet because quiet for me isn’t quiet at all. It is the time when all of my worry, all of my fear, all of my doubt is the loudest. And during quiet—I have no way, no help in temporarily tuning it out. There is no escaping the barrage of extremely high expectations.

∞  

One night of familiar tossing and turning, I realized that my heart was beating so hard and so dramatically I thought it would jump out of my chest. I was involuntarily worrying about some problem that I encountered. And then the anxiety turned into a great sadness. A sadness I couldn’t understand which just added more to the late night dreadful feeling.

As I laid there, trying to control my breathing I had this nagging feeling that I was doing something so wrong, so terribly wrong.

What was it? What was I suppose to do? What is happening?

As I slowly exhaled my umpteenth breath, a word was plunged into my consciousness: “Pray!” And all of the overwhelming feelings and emotions--the sadness, the nagging, began to make sense.

Here I was, a mere human, trying to fix all the problems in my life, if not others as well; problems that were not meant for me to even consider. I was obsessing about fighting and conquering a war that wasn’t mine. I was trying to do a job that I was nowhere near qualified to do.

Not only was I trying to fill some pretty big shoes, I had completely ignored and ignorantly dismissed the greatest problem solver of them all: God.

I had foolishly taken upon the notion that I could handle my problems better than Him. A foolish thing I continue to do time after time until I find myself running into in circles—laying in bed barely able to breathe.

“In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”

-John 16: 23-24

How could I be so oblivious to something that has been said with such conviction? How can I call myself a true believer and a keeper in faith when I don’t do the one thing that is required of me, the thing that Jesus gave his life for?

Is there any disrespect worse?

∞   

I believe the nagging was God; I know it was. I can’t imagine how saddened and frustrated He must get with me—to not allow Him to do the one thing He has always claimed to do: love me.

The sadness was not just His but mine as well. The sadness of purposely putting me apart from Him because the fear I allow to overcome me clouds my judgment and clouds His word. Although it is done without me trying to be disrespectful or full of pride, it’s still something so self-sabotaging. And the guilt of knowing I have a hand in it is something so hard to bear.

It’s so embarrassing to say that I forget to pray and that I have to make it a habit of going before Him and laying down all that seems to burden me. But practice makes perfect—a lesson learned.

I must change my whole perspective about the act of prayer and how truly intimate it is. For so long I have viewed prayer as a “last resort” and there are so many times I refrain from prayer because “I don’t want to bother Him about my petty problems.”

Oh, the harm done to my spirit by my own admission!

To God, no problem is too small and no problem is too big. Our thinking is not the same and until I began to practice, walk and live in that truth I am going to always be running into a brick wall—time and time again, thinking that some way I am going to eventually break through; the perfect definition of insanity.

I am not one to “preach” or to paint what a “true believer” is. Never have I or will I ever claim to be perfect with all of the answers. And never will I claim that I fully understand my relationship with God because it will forever be a life long journey that I will stumble and struggle with---in efforts to strengthen and build on it. And there is no shame in that because the one thing I do know and stand on is that He is a Great and Powerful God---known for his devotion to me.

Yours Truly,

-@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise)