To Pray or Not To Pray? Why Is It Even A Question?

To Pray or Not to Pray?

Why is it even a question?

I possess a lot of talents and gifts. I have been truly blessed. Among all of my characteristics and abilities, one of the top 3 happens to be that I am a “problem solver”. I am privy and knowledgeable of different strategies and methods to share with family and friends. And the “giver” in me is more than happy to provide them with comfort—in whatever method to help them.

The ironic thing is—it is not the best thing to do with myself. In fact, being a self-proclaimed “problem-solver” has hindered my own judgment with my life. Whenever there is an obstacle or a problem foreseen, I obsess about how I am going to overcome it, when I am going to overcome it and what new problem is waiting around the corner to greet me.

“How am I going to handle that?” a repetitive question.

In doing such, I drown in my thoughts. I make small problems bigger. I invest and give so much time and energy into an attempt to “control” and “conquer” life. Because somewhere deep within me, I fear that I can’t—a haunting and terrifying thought.

I hate the quiet because quiet for me isn’t quiet at all. It is the time when all of my worry, all of my fear, all of my doubt is the loudest. And during quiet—I have no way, no help in temporarily tuning it out. There is no escaping the barrage of extremely high expectations.

∞  

One night of familiar tossing and turning, I realized that my heart was beating so hard and so dramatically I thought it would jump out of my chest. I was involuntarily worrying about some problem that I encountered. And then the anxiety turned into a great sadness. A sadness I couldn’t understand which just added more to the late night dreadful feeling.

As I laid there, trying to control my breathing I had this nagging feeling that I was doing something so wrong, so terribly wrong.

What was it? What was I suppose to do? What is happening?

As I slowly exhaled my umpteenth breath, a word was plunged into my consciousness: “Pray!” And all of the overwhelming feelings and emotions--the sadness, the nagging, began to make sense.

Here I was, a mere human, trying to fix all the problems in my life, if not others as well; problems that were not meant for me to even consider. I was obsessing about fighting and conquering a war that wasn’t mine. I was trying to do a job that I was nowhere near qualified to do.

Not only was I trying to fill some pretty big shoes, I had completely ignored and ignorantly dismissed the greatest problem solver of them all: God.

I had foolishly taken upon the notion that I could handle my problems better than Him. A foolish thing I continue to do time after time until I find myself running into in circles—laying in bed barely able to breathe.

“In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”

-John 16: 23-24

How could I be so oblivious to something that has been said with such conviction? How can I call myself a true believer and a keeper in faith when I don’t do the one thing that is required of me, the thing that Jesus gave his life for?

Is there any disrespect worse?

∞   

I believe the nagging was God; I know it was. I can’t imagine how saddened and frustrated He must get with me—to not allow Him to do the one thing He has always claimed to do: love me.

The sadness was not just His but mine as well. The sadness of purposely putting me apart from Him because the fear I allow to overcome me clouds my judgment and clouds His word. Although it is done without me trying to be disrespectful or full of pride, it’s still something so self-sabotaging. And the guilt of knowing I have a hand in it is something so hard to bear.

It’s so embarrassing to say that I forget to pray and that I have to make it a habit of going before Him and laying down all that seems to burden me. But practice makes perfect—a lesson learned.

I must change my whole perspective about the act of prayer and how truly intimate it is. For so long I have viewed prayer as a “last resort” and there are so many times I refrain from prayer because “I don’t want to bother Him about my petty problems.”

Oh, the harm done to my spirit by my own admission!

To God, no problem is too small and no problem is too big. Our thinking is not the same and until I began to practice, walk and live in that truth I am going to always be running into a brick wall—time and time again, thinking that some way I am going to eventually break through; the perfect definition of insanity.

I am not one to “preach” or to paint what a “true believer” is. Never have I or will I ever claim to be perfect with all of the answers. And never will I claim that I fully understand my relationship with God because it will forever be a life long journey that I will stumble and struggle with---in efforts to strengthen and build on it. And there is no shame in that because the one thing I do know and stand on is that He is a Great and Powerful God---known for his devotion to me.

Yours Truly,

-@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise)