As I am now grown (yet still growing; there's always room for improvement! YES, IAM A VIRGO) I have had to take a step back and look at myself. My character. My identity. And seeing as how I've always been judged before I knew what pride was, it's been a struggle. Especially in the last year. I literally had to go to war with the world because everything that I had stood on, my very foundation had fallen apart. Leaving me falling through mid-air in the mouth of a bottomless pit. Just falling...falling...falling, painfully seeing the light at the top slowly fade away. "I don't understand", "What am I doing that's so wrong? I thought I was doing everything right? How can I be falling? How can I feel so alone and left to fend for myself against family, friends and the faithful haters? IT'S NOT FAIR!". That protest echoed in my head for over 6 months.
I woke up with it, I went to sleep with it, I walked around in it, I breathed it in. Just completely TOXIC.
So the first thing I had to do was: FORGIVE.
I have been given the label as a BITCH for many years but STUCK-UP always seemed to get the greatest vote. So in return, I began to play that role and forgiveness what not in the script. But the anger...the bitterness was killing me. It was literally causing me physical pain. My head hurt from all the "Why me?" & "How could they do this to me?". My spirit was so...lost. It had packed up and ran away with the circus but my heart. My heart was a completely different story. Not only was it broken, bruised and bleeding...it was starting to lose it's life and growing faint and cold. I can not explain how ANGRY, DISAPPOINTED & BITTER I was. When I say it took me there, I am being polite.
Finally one day I just broke down crying, on the floor, sobbing in the fetal position. I felt I had failed as a person and I was so humiliated. I won't get into details right now about what exactly happened; in time but not now. Let's just say life threw my a curve ball that shook my family life and my stability in all I had been taught to believe. For the first time, I realized just how bi-polar life is.
I was at my wit's end. I do have the gift to get myself out of many situations and keep it moving but this had me by the throat. In my weeping, I started to pray. "God, I don't know what I've done. I don't know why I'm going through this but Father if you don't help me and bring me out of this, then all hope is lost. This is a job that only YOU can pull me out of. No worldly blessings, just YOU! I NEED YOU! Help me please..."
Then...as quick as a light switch brings light to a room, light began to pierce through my swollen, red and watery eyes. "I'm here. I've always been here and NEVER will I leave you. All I ask is that you believe and come to Me." That pain, that aching pain in my heart, mind and soul instantly went away. After 6 months of constant anger, in an instant...it was gone. It scared me so bad! LOL! I was absolutely TERRIFIED! I had thought that I walked off the deep end. I had finally snapped! I'M HEARING VOICES!
"Not voices, My voice!"....I couldn't do anything but give thanks and hold myself for the first time in a long time with love, with compassion, with understanding and with forgiveness. It took time. It took time for me to come out of that depression.
I had to surround myself with positive things, as annoying and crazy it felt, I did it anyway. Prayed constantly. Read books. Listened to Gospel. Watched the Gospel. Worshiped the Gospel. Please believe when I say, Iam still a sinner but I have come a long way. There was a time when I laughed at people getting happy and I thought they were doing it for show. I wouldn't praise because I thought it was uncomfortable and got uncomfortable when people did. So I'm NOT BS-ing! But if I had to swallow my pride to constantly have that feeling of hope, faith and love that I received in the middle of the floor where I laid broken, lost and hopeless then I will gladly do it.
I say that to say this...GOD is real! And God is so faithful, this I swear my life on. I believe that because I am a walking living testimony to His Word. I am a miracle baby. My mother was told when she was 18 years old that she would not be able to have children due to a health issue and it took her some time but she learned to except that yet at the age of 28 years old...I was born. =^) How can I not believe yet exist???
I know the world is filled with doubt and fears! I KNOW! And I know the world doubts God and when I asked Him what I should do when that happens, He said very clearly: "When they start to doubt Me...you doubt the world. Start asking them questions that can't be explained. Things that can't be chucked up to chance and accidents. Just doubt them back." And when I do...the world looks like #Retardation Nation! MY GOD IS REAL!
XOXO
@BMynroe
RaChelle-Denise McKinney
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