...silence...

silence

Sitting here in the comfort of silence.

Silence in heart, mind, body and soul.

Sitting here in the comfort of silence,

That I now sadly admit, I had been running from for so long.

Because in silence is when all the truth is seen and heard.

In silence all the evidence is justified and no stone is left unturned.

In this silence, my silence, in the silence of me,

I know realize,

How blind and passive I have grown to be.

How I have conditioned myself to your lies,

Conditioned myself to your limited love and affection.

Convincing myself that your occasional “every now and again” love came with messages in between the lines and it was my job to detect them.

I was given the job to see and read more into things that normally show no promise.

I was given the gift to overlook your constant infamous broken promises.

For you, I reprogrammed myself.

Reprogrammed myself to fit your lifestyle and downsized myself to fit into your life.

My once down is now up, my wrong is now right.  

My heart once healthy, plump with blood and faith and stained red,

Now is ice cold, frozen bitten, un-noticeable due to the liver spot of white.

Sitting here in the comfort of silence.

Silence in heart, mind, body and soul.

Sitting here in the comfort of silence,

That I now sadly admit, I had been running from for so long.

Because in silence is when all the truth is seen and heard.

In silence all the evidence is justified and no stone is left unturned.

In this silence, I can hear your voice.

Your voice, which has voiced so many predictable statements.

“It’s not what it looks like. You know me better than that. “

My concerns morphed into untrue allegations, you prided yourself on replacing them.

In silence, I hear my questions, insecurity and self doubt.

Asking myself if it’s all worth it, all the tears I have cried, the millions I dread to count.

Is it my entire fault, should I have never let you get so comfortable and steady?

I should have intervened with the first warning sign and stand my ground.  I should have been ready.

All of this bi-polar and schizophrenia in my living and breathing space is my punishment,

Punishment for me knowing better.

Knowing better than to allow, continue, over look, Kanye shrug, ignore and denounce such unacceptable behavior.

Not just in you because I admit I have been more than accessory to such hate crime,

I stay disappointed with the woman in the mirror,

Knowing that her over cried, over stressed, under loved, and under cared face is mine.

What’s my defense you ask? Where’s my evidence?

My broken heart, my battered self esteem, my frail nerves, my inability to stop wrong and let go when it’s time….is that enough to convince?

Sitting here in the comfort of silence.

Silence in heart, mind, body and soul.

Sitting here in the comfort of silence,

That I now sadly admit, I had been running from for so long.

Because in silence is when all the truth is seen and heard.

In silence all the evidence is justified and no stone is left unturned.

This silence is nothing to play with,

Only the strong survive.

Only the strong survive, the honesty, the cruelty. The silence voices the oppressed and heals the blind.

Those voices, that was once loud and strong. Being my director to what was allowed and not allowed and what was right and wrong.

Those voices, I‘ve suppressed only to hear your voice which was once so very weak and meek. It has drained all my energy, love, and strength. How can I ignore something so consistent when I have grown so weak?

….silent….silent….silent….

But just like you have in some way gained strength and security into your actions and how they have involuntarily become more regular and allowed…my voice has the same ability.

My voice is stronger than yours. My words stand on more facts and foundation.

My voice states the truth, the truth to me, to you, to this, to that, to him, to her. My voice says enough for us all to make a self re-evaluation.

My voice that has been broken but never forgotten. My voice that doesn’t tell me what to do, but instead yells it to catch my attention.

My voice, being the main ring leader to all of my emotions and heart, body, soul and minds intervention.

The intervention for me.

In silence, they speak the loudest.

I can hear my heart growing weak due to constantly being broken.

I can hear the tears roll down on the path of my face it has so ruthlessly stolen.

I can feel my mind overheated with unanswered questions that I stay assuming and trying to answer myself.

I can hear my soul falling slowly but steady into a black hole, being suppressed to make room for this one that I have allowed you to create for me. As a reminder, my soul gets stored away on a shelf.

I hear it all and it’s the saddest song I’ve ever heard. It’s the saddest scene I’ve seen played out. It’s doing beyond the most and in silence I vow I want and am getting out.

In silence, I regained my pride.

I regained my self-worth, my self-respect, my self-love.

In silence, I have come to understand the differences in you and me.

The bad in you and the good in me.

In silence, I have made more promises to myself that I know will be kept.

In silence, I have found that strong woman you take it all step by step.

In silence, I have found the thing I have been searching for the whole time.

The acceptance and love within and for myself.

You are no longer needed. Your theories and methods are no longer kept.

Sitting here in the comfort of silence.

Silence in heart, mind, body and soul.

Sitting here in the comfort of silence,

That I now sadly admit, I had been running from for so long.

Because in silence is when all the truth is seen and heard.

In silence all the evidence is justified and no stone is left unturned.

                                                                                                           xoxo,
@BMynroe

RaChelle-Denise McKinney