“To Much Is Given, Much Is Expected baby,” Grandma would say while snapping peas and humming hymns. I remember I would sit there trying to imitate her pea snapping skill, epically failing, wondering, ‘Grandma hasn’t taken her medicine.” I’ve come a long way since then. I’ve lost both of my grandmothers who meant the world to me and who would say little things like that, that didn’t register but always stuck somewhere in my mind.
Here I am, 24 years old, a college graduate filled with dreams that seem impossible to reach. I’ve spent many nights lying in my bed, gripping my cashmere caramel pillows, surrounded by beautiful pieces that inspire me, acknowledgements and awards of my achievements and look out the window and say to myself: “But I want so much more Lord.”
I won’t say that I don’t feel pressure from everywhere because I do but I feel the most pressure from myself and my conditions. I look at the place I am in and I painfully come to the realization that I’ am in a season that contradicts my dreams, my thoughts, my life. Then guilt and shame sits in. “Where do I place the blame? Who gets the finger flung and pointed in their face,” because such personal torment will make anyone become a victim and find an assaulter to blame and for about a year I’ve been in search of the monster until I walk past my reflection in the mirror.
That reflection! That woman! That beast that puts me in a position to feel so bad because i am not making her happy. This love/hate relationship we are in, this make-up to break-up routine we constantly revisit. She’s so damn demanding! Should I quit? Pack up my belongings and give my letter of resignation? But then…I remember that without her, her honesty, her courage, her faith I would have never made it to where I am, to who I am.
She has whispered in my ear so many times when I felt alone and confused reminding me that “This too shall pass,” and I will wipe away my tears, fix my concealer and flash that smile in the mirror to remind me that it was true but as of lately, she’s been so anxious.
Many people don’t understand that you do have a relationship with yourself. You do have to have arguments, bitter arguments with yourself to get to the point of agreement when your insides are not in knots and disturbed. Yet when you silence and suppress that relationship for whatever reason, you lose yourself and when you see glares of that person, you get sad. Sad because you miss that person and guilty of you neglecting yourself, your dreams, your voice.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: I am a dreamer! I want to make my mark in this world instead of passing through! I want to look back at my life and have no regrets because I know that I gave my all into what I wanted and believed in! There I said it and I stand by that.
With that motto in life comes people laughing in your face saying: “You have lost all of your mind! What world are you living in?” Negativity: “You need to be realistic. You have to get what you can and be happy with that.” Pressure: “You do know that you are a dime a dozen.” Doubt: “Do you really think YOU will achieve it?” and then the most painful one of all not being taken seriously: “That’s nice. That’s real nice.” DAMN IT!!! DAMN IT!!! DAMN IT!!! I scream to myself. Dreams come with some serious baggage and the fine print sucks!
Then I hear Grandma: “My pretty black girl, (she was half white), people are going to bring you down if you let them but it’s your responsibility to yourself to remain strong in what you believe and what you want, not what they want. You keep your head up!” I take a moment of silence to center myself. I close my eyes and revisit all things I’ve overcome and faced. The anger, taunt, disbelief in people’s voices and actions. The long days of just trying to hold it together. The times I’ve walked away from the lynch mob to hide my tears and yet I’ am still standing. I open my eyes and see all the space and opportunity that is ahead of me, take a deep breath and say with much pride and belief: “To Much Is Given, Much Is Expected.” Now…let’s make this happen.
xoxo,
@BMynroe
RaChelle-Denise McKinney
