Noisy

Noisy

-Tuesday, December 4, 2012. 10:19 p.m.-

Life can become so hectic, loud and annoying.

Tank is on empty, bills piling up—along with the amount its showing.

The demands of others, the fast pace of the world…

Can all ignore one starving little girl.

Or the war veteran—whom fought the most evil of evil,

Only to live on streets, neighbor to roaches, ants and beetles.

The mother that cries every night because she can’t feed her babies.

Ignoring the wise, worthy old man who’s ill and dying just because his insurance is “not covered”, written off as shady.

Ignoring the teachers that spiritually fight everyday just to calm and reach one child.

The grandmother who has paid her dues but is raising their child’s child as she runs wild.

The men who are head of their families but can no longer provide for their families.

Ignoring how there are less and less high school graduates yet more younger causalities.

Oh yes!

The world is hectic, loud and annoying.

The question is how much do we imagine and just how much are we ignoring?

 -@BMynroe (RaChelle-Denise McKinney)

I Cry

I Cry

-This poem was written on Wednesday- November 21, 2012. 6:25 p.m.-

I cry because I am happy and I cry because I am sad.

I cry for the bright future that’s ahead of me.

I cry because of the bitter fights I have had.

I cry because there’s healing,

I cry because there’s pain.

I cry for the past of mistakes I’ve let go.

I cry for the failures I will gain.

A life that’s full of emotion, in a world filling the image of “perfection” in our souls.

I cry.

I cry. I cry. I cry.

Tears have become my best friend.

They’re too familiar with this face.

Sharing legends with their seeds seed in preparation for taking their valued place.

I’ve become angry with my tears because they can be so strong!

Too strong to hold back.

Yet, how I love them.

For they console me in my loneliest and lowest time,

When everyone else has walked away.

How it knows my true heart,

How it hurts, how it breaks.

They know what my weaknesses are

And the weight that my shoulders take.

No one will ever know but my tears.

So—I cry.

I cry. I cry. I cry.

The tears know what my happiness is.

They know what makes my heart soar.

They know how my faith and hope keep me craving for life, more and more.

They know my peace.

They’ve witnessed my grace!

My tears have shown themselves proud in a victory disguised as a defeat.

My tears stand by me, never to be ashamed of their long-standing term.

My tears are loyal to me.

So yes---I cry.

I’ve cried. I cry. I’ll cry.

xoxo,

@BMynroe

RaChelle-Denise McKinney 

Days Like This

Days Like This

The last time that I blogged was in September 2012 and although I have been compelled to post new material—I’ve started on numerous topics, today I felt a responsibility to myself, to my feelings to post on the tragedies of today. Procrastination has no power on this day.

The tragedy I speak of is that of the Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre and the shooting of two Memphis police officers leading to one fatality. Please keep in mind that this is not a news blog. This is a blog of my own feelings and emotions so I wish not to be held accountable for my flawed “creative journalism”.

Such pain has filled this day but it is following a pattern that I see growing at an increasing and devastating rate. Murder, fires, and shootings have been greeting me every morning on the news as I leave the house to venture off into my day. It has sadly become a morning routine of mine but most disturbing -- expected.

I believe that the final blow that made me take this to heart, shed tears, pray for peace---see an instant glimpse of hopelessness , was the unnecessary killing of students, babies in my eyes.

I am a substitute teacher. I’ve built great rapport in the grades of Pre K- 8^th  in three surrounding cities. I have made a name for myself in the teaching industry, which I give credit to favor. Hearing that such evil, such cold-blooded action took place in the very haven that I am my best at, shook me to the core. I now understand the meaning of having a “bleeding heart”.

My heart bleeds, not just as a teacher, not just as a woman but as my best friend said because I am human. There are very rare and brief moments (too rare and brief) when I find myself feeling so humble. It’s a feeling that one finds hard to describe. There aren’t words that can truly articulate the emotion. How we--how I take so much for granted. How we can lose it all--- life as we know it by just one angry thought that turns into evil and heinous actions leaving deep and horrendous wounds that will never ever heal in some cases.

The fact that its Christmas season and so many families are being destroyed every day chips away at my empathy. How family history, which we share at this time, has been ripped—hanging in mid-air to find the courage and the strength to continue being written. The families that will go home and see presents under the tree for loved ones that will never get to open them. How heart-breaking.

It’s sad; it’s unexplainable and leaves me speechless at times. Those are the times when my heart bleeds. This is the world we live in.

There is so much self-righteousness. So much self-given delusional hierarchy rules the world.

This can cause terror and paranoia to those who see it but it doesn’t scare me. Instead it breaks my heart and it makes me physically sick to watch mankind crush the only thing we have in this world—our hope and our faith. It is already scarce. It’s a painful reminder that it is indeed a cruel and dark world, getting darker by the day. It gets harder everyday to see the light and beauty of life.

In times like these so many spirits and hearts are broken—scattered to the wind and yet so many on the outside fail to open their eyes that should be full of sympathy. Maybe it’s too painful for some, too real, too much.

I’m guilty of such. Confining me to my own little world is a nasty habit of mine. What’s regular or acceptable of my time? What’s worthy of my attention. What’s important and what’s not. And it’s moments such as this when I am knocked to my knees. It forces me to look at my life, my heart, my mind, my spirit, my thoughts.

Days like this—I realize it’s not all about me. There’s a bigger picture, with a bigger story. I should be honored and feel blessed to just be a part of it.

Xoxo,

@BMynroe 
RaChelle-Denise McKinney

The Tough Road of Forgiving

The Tough Road Of Forgiving

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Then Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”

-Matthew 18:21-22 NIV

          

     Forgive, forgiving, forgave. Forgiveness, such an interesting word, emotion and action. It is indeed a triple threat. And something I struggle horribly with everyday.

         

    There really isn’t enough encouragement in the world to forgive. In many ways, there is a non-verbal protest against it. Yet there isn’t enough truth to the path of forgiveness either.

         

      No one speaks enough about how hard and painful the path is. No one speaks of the doubt, the confusion and the rebellion that one has when considering forgiveness. No one says how forgiveness can look so diseased and irrelevant, even though history shows how praised such transgression is.

          

                No one notes the contradiction it tends to feel like.

          

       The way forgiveness has been interpreted in my life, for many years, whether it is family, personal issues, my pride, et cetra, is very black and white, being ridiculed for either outcome of forgiveness.

          

         If you forgive, you look like a punk and weak. If you don’t forgive you are a cold and mean soul.

         

       My thought process consisted of such: “Why should I forgive if it only is to happen again? Why put myself out there, give another chance only to have it thrown back into my face? Why add insult to injury? Why show I’ am weak?” To me forgiveness equaled weakness.

       

     I would roll my eyes at people who had forgiven and get even more annoyed at the people whom were granted forgiveness. It made me very resentful, bitter and angry but mostly sad that I felt such against it.

         I’ am not claiming to be the hardest woman in the world. I’ am not saying that I do not have feelings or that things do not bother me because that is a stone cold lie but I am notorious for having a poker face and keeping my true emotions hidden from the surface (something I can’t control and I subconsciously do!).

          Memories and events that happened 20 years ago still cause pain and I have yet forgiven. Add that along with recent pain makes a very heavy burden. It’s so heavy. It sits right on my shoulders weighing me down and nagging me, forgiveness a long way off. Angry that the very things that hurt me, are the very things I carry around (“a chip on my shoulder” is an understatement.).

         But the question is: “If it is written that I will be given the task to forgive over and over, numerous people at numerous times, why hold on to it? Why add weight to the world on my shoulders?”

         I am going to be honest, forgiveness sometimes feel like giving the abuser, place, event an upper hand. It seems like giving in and giving up on my dignity and pride. I will not lie.

          Am I perfect? I’ am so far from that road. Have I done things that could be deemed as unforgiveable? Yes. So what makes me so special that I can be given forgiveness and others are not? Egotistical much?

   

       Like I said, it feels and looks like a contradiction.

          I say all of that to say this: I am a work in progress. My life, my way of thinking, my ways are all work in progress. I am not striving to be perfect nor do I want to be. I am not trying to be something or someone that I am not. I’ am living my life and with that comes times that I am so hurt by, so angry with, so in denial about. But what I do know and will stand by is that I not the person I once was and I may not be where I want to be but I am not where I was.

         Forgiving is one of the battles and tests I am facing at the moment and it isn’t just forgiving external enemies, it’s internal as well. I must first understand forgiveness and forgive myself for whatever the case may be.

          In order to live my life to the fullest, reach my full potential, I have to release all the weight that is chained to me. Finding the courage to love and forgive my enemies and be at peace and find joy is one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced in my life but I love myself too much, my God too much, to be such a brat that I am causing more harm than good to myself. Reaching such point is horrifying but is such a blessing in disguise for me. I’ am going to master this tough road of forgiving, might as well seeing as how it is a road I will meet and go down through many times for the rest of my days.

“When they kept on questioning him; he straightened up and said to them, If any one you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”

-John 8:7 NIV

         

xoxo,

@BMynroe 

RaChelle-Denise McKinney

 

My CPC: "Close Personal Circle"

Boredom. It’s here. I run my fingers into my natural curls, finding the curliest and play with it. By the way, that’s a Virgo trait. We always seem to play with our hair. I picked up my phone to go to Facebook, looking at requests and peoples updates. Laughing at the hilarious FAIL pictures and people’s comments. Bored again. Twitter had me shaking my head at the ridiculous tweets to even more ridiculous trends. People are funny. People.

I know many people from many walks of life, colors, beliefs, lifestyles. I am a journalist so it is my job, my passion is to know people, to hear people, to learn about people. It’s my job to know people. I have many friends who I’ve shared laughs with, vents with, good and bad times with but I only have a select few of people I consider “my close personal circle”. These are people who have seen me at my worst, at my best and the in between. They know my fears, they know my worries. They’ve seen many tears; they’ve heard a lot of pain. They’ve been my cheer squad, my reminders, and my build up.  Yet their opinion, love, respect and support in me has not wavered. That means the world to me because I am a complicated woman. Not that easy to grasp, there is no other like me. That is not pride or an ego, that’s reality.

One of my girls in my CPC (Close Personal Circle) had been on my mind heavy. We spent almost 2 years together in ways that make you trust and love one another. We’ve traveled together, lived together, shared a internship business together.  We knew each other for years through another but never felt the need to connect in a strong way but life made us be there for each other. And by the way, I and she are ying and yang. Oil and water. Black and white. Yet we found things in our lives that we connected on. She invited me into her world and vice versa and that is my girl! My sister from another mister and if push comes to shove, she’s knows I am in her corner, no question.

I got word out that I wanted to talk to her and *text* “CHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLEEEEEE”! 

This text did not alarm me. You see, that’s our way of love. We texted our “miss youse” and setting up dates to see each other and then we got to the serious stuff. That’s why I love her, she’s real. No fake. We comforted each other in our realization of each other’s problems. We showed empathy toward each other and let each other know we were not alone. That no, we are not crazy. We understood one another.

Just like my other girlfriend. She just brings the happy out in me. She allows me to be that flamboyant drag queen that seems to live in me. Our story is funny! No one could write how our paths crossed. Our first impression, from across a parking lot, was not the best and to then  hear a knock at the door and find out she was my suitemate. Our expressions toward one another were priceless. But I soon learned to realize how amazing she is.  Our intense glares from distances were realization of similar minds.  My big personality doesn’t scare nor intimidate her. Instead of analyzing and judging me, she remains confident in whom she is and allows me to be myself and still loves me.

Yet no one seems to love me no matter how crazy and dramatic I let my life get me than my ace boon coon. He, yes he, has seen me at my absolute rawest. He’s been there since the beginning. He is witness to the bloody emotional and spiritual battles I’ve had to overcome. He knows firsthand how difficult my life has been/is. He knows. Therefore, how can he not be an important person in my life? We’ve been connected since we were 16 years old, over state lines, over years of not seeing each other, relationship, schools, etc.

That’s what’s friend ship is about in miUNREALity.

It is to feel I can be who I am, no mirrors, no smoke just me. No inhabitations about what they will say when I leave the room. To admit a secret that others would judge and advertise. I can have moments that I wouldn’t dare show with anyone else. I can show the emotional scars that run deep that I tend to cover up. They see all of that but are still juxtaposed with me. Ignoring what the rest of the world thinks and says about me, knowing me. And I give a purple star to all of them because those Negroes deserve it! Been through hell and back MANY TIMES yet we still standing!

 xoxo,
@BMynroe 
RaChelle-Denise McKinney

Team Of One

                                                           

Team of One

I look to my left…no one. I look to my right…no one.

Look to my front and I see nothing but I dare not to look behind me at the past I’ve walked away from. It brings up too emotions that have had a hold of me my heart, soul and mind for so long.

People are funny in a way that makes your eyes cross. Opinions of others, not my own, play like a sound track to my everyday life. Over and Over again I hear the taunts of my “flaws” being thrown at me. The anger my “flaws” seem to cause.

It makes me sad. It makes me cry.

I knew from a very young age that people’s opinions of me were going to follow me everywhere I go yet it hurts when people’s opinions are so full of hate, belittling and completely false that wear me out. It’s been wearing me down that it’s making me question my own ability, my own goals and achievements.

It’s become a poison so interlocked in everything of me I can’t tune it out.

According to the world and chose others, the woman I think I am is far from what I hear in the opinions. Why do I never hear a co-sign on my thoughts, my feelings, and my life?

Why is it always faced with no, No, NO!

The pressure of it all is so painful considering the fact that there is an assumption that I have no feelings, that I am not a real person, dealing with real personal problems. Sometimes I feel as though my head is going to explode with all the opinions crammed in. And then I realized…

”Why should I care? What they are saying is completely false. Sure, I would love someone on my team once in a while instead of facing an army alone and confused but why should I care?”

I’ve realized one of the toughest and bloodiest battles a person will encounter is the fight for self-confidence in the face of all the negativity and unapproved.

At first it’s tough, it is. It hurts, it stings, it lingers, it rests in the deepest darkest place in your heart but when enough is enough, when you can no longer live in such conditions of your mind, perspective and out looks—when finally grow tired of being tied down by others weight, to reach in the set it afire and just focus on yourself: your feelings, your dreams, your goals, and your truth.

While reaching toward that place of self truth, you find that you truly have many phases where you are a Team of One but it’s up to you to stand up with the courage and say, “I’m on MY team. No one else’s. I am a leader not a follower. Even if that means I have to lead and follow myself”

 I’ve prepared for the battle ahead of me while enforcing this Team Of One mentality cause not only will it create more tension, it’s going to create many more attacks ordered to break me down but instead will become my victory and testimony.

Yours Truly,

@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise McKinney)

Today is NOT my day...AGAIN!?!

The “Kill Bill” theme song was ringing in my ears and the sunlight was just setting into my sleepy eyes. It was affirmative; I had woken up on “the wrong side of the bed”. I sighed with exhaustion because I had lost count of the days I had woken up in this manner. I rolled over to the other side of the bed and found even more irritation. “Why is it so bright in here?” I managed to whisper to myself in a stern voice. Oh…this is bad, I’ am getting angry at the sun???

WHY? Why can’t I wake up smiling and sit up in bed, stretch my body and have all the energy to tackle on the day? Why can’t I resemble a slight of courtesy and humanity before I have a sip of coffee? Yes, I will admit it here and now: I love my sleep. I am in love with my bed. Sleep makes me happy and when I have to wake up from my amazing and tender slumber, I’AM MAD! I’ am a morning meanie. Don’t want to be but that’s one of the facts of my life.  With that being said, waking up in an already bad mood than I am normally in, is just overwhelming and beyond annoying. So I began to have a mental talk with myself as I wrapped and dug myself deeper into my bed, covers and pillows. “It’s all a state of mind…”

“It’s all a state of mind.” I have heard and read many noted psychologists, preachers and scholars say. I normally roll my eyes and walk away thinking that my emotions were my fault. It’s always my fault! And then I had a thought, “But what if it’s not? What if I really do have an effect on how I feel?” There are days where I do not want to get out of bed, more than I want to admit but then there are days where I feel like the sun is shining just for me and nothing can stop me. Oh No! I’ am bipolar! Nope, just human. I’ am a creature created for and full of emotion but it is my free will to either be a victim or a conqueror of it.  Here’s a little dramatic example yet fact: Snakes can go months without eating and when they finally do catch something, not caring what it is, it will eat but suffocate while it eats. I HATE SNAKES! It even gave me hives just writing about them but I found that to be extremely impactful and a lesson. To take it one day at time and not get so caught up and over run with my emotions.

I’ am not saying I’ am going  to walk around life like a robot be-boop-bopping around days but just take in account that life is not all roses, unicorns and rains gumdrops and Skittles. There have and will be days when I will just hate the sun for its warmth and glow. Look up at the sky and shake my fist looking completely crazy and not giving a damn! Yet there have and will be days when my eyes are over filled with tears of joy and uncontrollable laughs that tickle my soul. There and have been days when I know that God has made the wind blow just to remind me He is there. There and have been good and bad surprises but I can’t let that trip me up but if it does, I will get up and dust myself off and try and try again. I have a life experience of dusting myself off. I’ am a pro. 

 xoxo,

@BMynroe
RaChelle-Denise McKinney