Surviving The World Of Bullying: My Testimony

               There is a universal topic that seems to be holding the magazine headlines hostage, not to mention the conversation piece that a lot of people can’t really grasp…B-U-L-L-Y-I-N-G!

               

                 I was in the supermarket in my normal “running errands-not really trying to see or talk to anyone-please shut your loud ass child up-I am starting to get a headache” wear: An oversized black sweatshirt, complimented by one of ex boyfriends 2 sizes too big black sweats. I added flair by hiding behind my black out “Jackie-O” shades yet I was holding my black on black Dereon bag like a posh and up class lady. My MO.

                I was BEYOND annoyed at the lady in front of me. I could have SWORN the sign said “10 items or less”, just to make sure, I double checked…YEP “10 items or less”! Yet here is this lady with the food pyramid 3X in front of me! RUDE! And all I came in to get was a nice little fruit salad bowl to snack on….so this is what I get for trying to be healthy? As I was rolling my eyes in slow motion, my eyes fixated on the magazine rack. Like I confessed in my intro blog, I am a magazine junkie. TINY CONFESSION: I love to see the front covers, who are on them, the outfit and the makeup layout. I LIVE FOR THAT!

                Normally I would skim thro “XXL” or “InStyle” or the rumor magazine “Life & Style”…yet my attention was yielded when I caught “People’s” magazine headline and the front cover layout: “Bullying Leading to Suicide” and on the cover were three pictures of youthful teenagers, full of promise. My heart broke a little in the most sensitive area, not because it is indeed such a tragic story and epidemic that is gripping the nation but because of my own personal experience of being involuntarily put into the world of “bullying”.

                I normally don’t talk about such ordeal because I taught myself a reminder in order to deal with such irrelevance of bullying: “Everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. One may not realize or see such reason, it may take years, but it all happens in order for all the dots to connect and show such a beautiful picture.”

                I remember countless days of elementary school bullying. (Yes, my bullying started early and lasted into high school, so I KNOW what I am talking about.) Unlike “normal” kids I dreaded recess. Recess for me was a daily and constant reminder that I was “different”, that I wasn’t “cool”, that I didn’t meet the qualifications to hang out on the monkey bars with the “pretty girls”. My “area” was the side walk at the very end of the school yard.

                You see, every since I was old enough to have play dates with other kids, I caught on to how “different” I looked, how “different” I acted. If I wasn’t quick enough to catch on, I was told by these “playdates”.

 LITTLE GIRL #1: “Why you so tall? You taller than the boys!”  LITTLE GIRL #2: “Yeah, you’re a GIANT! Like that big green man on the can of beans!” LITTLE GIRL #1: “I bet she is a boy! A big ugly gay fat boy!” LITTLE GIRL #2: “She is fat! I know what we are going to call you, ‘Chelly Belly’!”  END SCENE.

                I was the tallest kindergartener in my class, a DEFINITE target for bullying. People and MOSTLY children, tear down what is different, even something you can’t control…like my height. To add more suggestions on the list of what people could bullying me about, I was the chubbiest of all the girls. I was NEVER the petite little girl who weighed 20 pounds soaking wet, NEVER! I ate my vegetables as a kid.

                But the one thing that to this day astounds me, is that I was constantly picked on not because I was built different or that my mama made sure I matched everything, from head to toe, *eye roll* but it was because I was smart and because I was quiet and shy.  *CRICKETS*…*SILENCE*…*CONFUSED LOOK*.  Maybe if I say it again it will make sense, “I was bullied because I was smart and shy”….NOPE…I still don’t get it.

                I never talked or fought back. I never came back with a snappy comment to the taunts ‘Chelly Belly” and my favorite ‘Jolly Green Giant” (I used to hide any clothing that had green in it) and the bullying continued throughout middle school. Middle school had to be the beginning of the worst.

                Middle school was when kids, mainly girls, began to “smell themselves”. Puberty was almost their ally with the growing of boobs and booty. NOT FOR ME! I grew taller, I got wider and my boobs seemed to literally grow over night. My training bra didn’t last a week, poor thing, and kids noticed.

 I began to believe the “taunts”, I began to hate myself. In my mind I was thinking, “If everyone is so annoyed and disgusted by me than something is wrong with ME. Why can’t I be skinny and pretty and fit nice clothes like everyone else? Why do I have to be me?” I would avoid mirrors and anything reflective because I didn’t want to be reminded as to why everyone hated me so much.

I and girlfriends was a definite NEGATIVE! I learned at a very young age that me and females just really don’t and never have “CLICKED” (I can’t even begin to tell you the many failed “friendships” I had, a MESS.) And NO, it wasn’t because I was a lesbian (heard that daily) and NO it wasn’t because I was a tomboy (dressed like one to avoid actually seeing my body, my way of hiding).

  ***QUICK SHOUTOUT to the ladies who looked past the covering and have shown me that all females are NOT the same, don’t know where I would be without ya’ll!  Love ya’ll bytches to DEATH!!!***

CHECK THIS OUT: It was because I didn’t follow the “rules” of the “clique”. I BROKE THE RULES.  BIG NO-NO!

PRETEEN GIRL #1: “Chelle, why didn’t you call me back last night?” ME: “I was doing my homework.”  PRETEEN GIRL #1: “So since you better than everyone else and can’t talk to us on 3 way, that means you gon’ let us copy your homework right?” ME: O_O “Uh…no.” END SCENE

I didn’t know it then but my shyness and my quietness intimidated people. I later learned, damn near 10 years later,  that people thought I thought that I was better than them. I wasn’t black, I was a white girl!  They said I was “stuck up”. HOW THE HELL IS SOMEONE STUCK UP WHO WEARS BAGGY CLOTHES?!?! IDIOTS!

I had things wrote about me on bathroom walls, I had explicit and demeaning notes stuffed into my locker(BIGFOOT IS AMONG US!!) I got things thrown at and poured on me (mostly chalk and chalk board erasers) , I had nasty rumors spread about me (and I would always be the last to know) I have been jumped (because her cousin told her sister that his brother heard his friend who happens to be her boyfriend, was cheating on her with me), I have been talked about so badly in public till the point I have busted out into tears,(those who know me now, know that I don’t do the whole *crying* thing, it’s called eyeliner people)  I have had my truck egged, I have had my truck keyed, I have had my license plate ripped off (I still don’t understand that one, doesn’t that take time and effort?), etc.

So believe me when I say, I KNOW the pain and abuse that is endeared when one is bullied, bullied and taunted because you are different, because you don’t fit the status quo that others have put out for you to meet. Bullied because you dare to be different, not even different because you dare to be YOURSELF! I know the self-hatred that comes with being reminded everyday that you are not like “them”, why can’t you be like “them”, life would be so much better if you were like “them” and because you’re not like “them” your life is a living hell, so you should just die….(been there).

Kids, to me, are the most cruel and vicious creatures when it comes to exiling someone for whatever bullshit reason. Kids don’t understand the power and existence of karma. Kids don’t understand the power and progress of evolution. Kids don’t understand that T.V. is make believe, it’s something that is CONTROLLED by others, YET, they damn near break their neck trying to portray what they see on television.

QUESTION: Why would anyone, male or female, black or white, young or old, want to be and live life like they see on television? Why do you want to put yourself in someone else’s funky-ass, worn-out, oh-so-last season shoes? Why are you putting yourself on the path of “following” and “pleasing others”? What is the purpose? Does one hate and think less of themselves THAT much?  

I have never understood that and my punishment for such was being bullied.

I am not saying that I am not influenced by TV, music, fashion, etc. OF COURSE I AM! I am a breathing and walking sponge. I am journalist for Gods sake, it’s my job to be all about the NOW.  But you see…I am INFLUENCED by it, I don’t FOLLOW it! MY life, MY journey, all under MY control, so why beat me down for enjoying what I have been given, MY LIFE!

I know that this blog post is not going be nominated for a Pulitzer and that it won’t be on Wendy Williams “Hot Topics” (How U Doing? *Love Her!!!*) but it’s my testimony. My testimony that individuality is worth fighting for, it’s worth standing up for. Assimilation is NOT the answer, it’s the fucking problem.  

Those who assimilate are cowards. Those you beat and tear down the “loners” are weak. Those who go about the “rules” of the status quo are fucking boring, those who run in the “clique” are all predictable, those you stay quiet and never voice their individuality are committing slow suicide, those who point of the “difference” have no life, and those who keep out the “unique” ones out, will never experience evolution.   Now…why is that “cool” again???? *In my Katt Williams voice and stance: “Don’t worry…I’ll wait."

  xoxo,

@BMynroe
RaChelle-Denise McKinney