Epitome of 2013

Epitome of 2013

I had been staring at this blank canvass for about a week, watching the blinking cursor mock me. Writers block had become my best friend because I had absolutely no idea what to write. None at all.

 For me, writing isn’t just throwing out words. I use them to tell my story, release all the weight that may seem to be clutching on to me.

And here I was, knowing I had and wanted something to say but had no idea where to start. How could I possibly hold up my tradition of posting on New Year’s Eve a hope for the next year, when I had no concept of what to say?

It’s a writer’s worst nightmare.

So I decided to stop over thinking and over analyzing and just let the words flow however they seemed to come. Eventually, the dots would connect. At least I hope.

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2013 was what I call an “introduction to myself”. You know the saying, “I need to find myself”; or “I’m finding myself.” That’s a proven statement which I believe and standby but I cannot tell a lie and say that I have fully found myself, instead I have been introduced to the person that is me.

This year has been a meet and greet for me, not just with myself but to my abilities, faith and endurance.

I have been approached with so many opportunities that went way beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been pushed to limits that were set in my mind by external and internal influences. I’ve been put in situations where I had to question myself; going with my instinct that was all based on hope and faith.

Some precious things that I once held dear about and within me have died and fallen away, leaving room for more productive and inspiring things to be planted. I’ve had to set my priorities differently and put my own desire to the side in order to fulfill the greater good. Some was done in good cheer and others were done with a snarl and high brow but it all was still done.

Never have I felt so unprepared yet succeed beyond expectations throughout it all. It’s a feeling that is quite indescribable but at most very fulfilling and rewarding and I would do it all over again.

My 2012’s New Year’s Eves post was “To Taboo or Not Taboo”. As I read throughout it last night, in an effort to get some type of inspiration, I realized how little I knew about the truth I spoke of. None of the things in 2013 would have ever transpired had I not taken it upon myself to live and go about the year not putting myself in a box and embracing new things that came my way.

Oh, the new things that have come this way!

Life was not the only contributing factor to the new and evolving things spread throughout this year but I, myself have given room to walk through new doors.

I remember, I always remember, the prayers said through tears as I knelled at the edge of my bed. I would pray that I be made a better woman, a stronger woman. And as I look back now, I see how closely God was listening. And how in my most clueless state of mind, I was being given the most; my prayers were being fulfilled unbeknownst to me.

That’s the best type of blessing.

I’ve discovered so much about me. How I relate and react to the world and the people and things that revolve it. I’ve come to understand the many underlying meanings to the confusing pieces I’ve been given and I’ve come to discover even more confusing pieces, meaning yet to show it’s self.

The journey never ends.

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So what are my hopes for 2014?

Seeing as how I have already been introduced to whom which is me, now I want to grow and invest into that person. The woman that is the core of me, underneath all of these layers I have to peel back and discard.

And like the peeling of an onion, it’s not always a pleasant experience; many tears are shed during the process.

My hope is that I give more than I receive, that my path and mission is not a selfish one because I benefit most when I put myself aside. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true. I’ve spent many wasted days rebelling and running away from problems or life whenever it gets hard, it’s my fight or flight installment. And I’ve exhausted myself, I’ve done more harm than good by doing such and I just refuse to do that to myself any longer.

So instead, I wish to embrace come what may. That doesn’t make me a victim; it doesn’t make me weak and deemed surrendering to the hardships. Embracing gives character and in character there is strength. Instead of being a rebel, I want to be a warrior.

A warrior who gives her all and sets her mind and eyes on the prize; whatever prizes there is in 2014. But most importantly, I want to stay true and loyal to the woman that I’ve grown to know and love over the course of this year. A woman whom has a story to tell and no matter what or who says differently, she knows her story is worth telling.

So I say farewell to 2013, lighting and lifting a lantern into the sky with gratitude. Watching the light that has guided me throughout this year prepare and show the way to the 2014; which gracefully makes it way to greet me. I plan to be a good hostess.

Happy New Years Loves!

As Always,

Yours Truly,

-@BMynroe

(RaChelle-Denise McKinney)