Days Like This

Days Like This

The last time that I blogged was in September 2012 and although I have been compelled to post new material—I’ve started on numerous topics, today I felt a responsibility to myself, to my feelings to post on the tragedies of today. Procrastination has no power on this day.

The tragedy I speak of is that of the Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre and the shooting of two Memphis police officers leading to one fatality. Please keep in mind that this is not a news blog. This is a blog of my own feelings and emotions so I wish not to be held accountable for my flawed “creative journalism”.

Such pain has filled this day but it is following a pattern that I see growing at an increasing and devastating rate. Murder, fires, and shootings have been greeting me every morning on the news as I leave the house to venture off into my day. It has sadly become a morning routine of mine but most disturbing -- expected.

I believe that the final blow that made me take this to heart, shed tears, pray for peace---see an instant glimpse of hopelessness , was the unnecessary killing of students, babies in my eyes.

I am a substitute teacher. I’ve built great rapport in the grades of Pre K- 8^th  in three surrounding cities. I have made a name for myself in the teaching industry, which I give credit to favor. Hearing that such evil, such cold-blooded action took place in the very haven that I am my best at, shook me to the core. I now understand the meaning of having a “bleeding heart”.

My heart bleeds, not just as a teacher, not just as a woman but as my best friend said because I am human. There are very rare and brief moments (too rare and brief) when I find myself feeling so humble. It’s a feeling that one finds hard to describe. There aren’t words that can truly articulate the emotion. How we--how I take so much for granted. How we can lose it all--- life as we know it by just one angry thought that turns into evil and heinous actions leaving deep and horrendous wounds that will never ever heal in some cases.

The fact that its Christmas season and so many families are being destroyed every day chips away at my empathy. How family history, which we share at this time, has been ripped—hanging in mid-air to find the courage and the strength to continue being written. The families that will go home and see presents under the tree for loved ones that will never get to open them. How heart-breaking.

It’s sad; it’s unexplainable and leaves me speechless at times. Those are the times when my heart bleeds. This is the world we live in.

There is so much self-righteousness. So much self-given delusional hierarchy rules the world.

This can cause terror and paranoia to those who see it but it doesn’t scare me. Instead it breaks my heart and it makes me physically sick to watch mankind crush the only thing we have in this world—our hope and our faith. It is already scarce. It’s a painful reminder that it is indeed a cruel and dark world, getting darker by the day. It gets harder everyday to see the light and beauty of life.

In times like these so many spirits and hearts are broken—scattered to the wind and yet so many on the outside fail to open their eyes that should be full of sympathy. Maybe it’s too painful for some, too real, too much.

I’m guilty of such. Confining me to my own little world is a nasty habit of mine. What’s regular or acceptable of my time? What’s worthy of my attention. What’s important and what’s not. And it’s moments such as this when I am knocked to my knees. It forces me to look at my life, my heart, my mind, my spirit, my thoughts.

Days like this—I realize it’s not all about me. There’s a bigger picture, with a bigger story. I should be honored and feel blessed to just be a part of it.

Xoxo,

@BMynroe 
RaChelle-Denise McKinney