Confessions of a Control Freak

Confessions of a Control Freak

Nostalgia has been very frequent within my daily reflections that I make time to have. The feeling of being a child and feeling like all was possible; even becoming an Olympic gymnast who took home the gold, one of my many childhood dreams, along with marrying Tevin Campbell but that is another story for another time.

I remembered how different things felt to me, the cool breeze that would cause the leaves to blow, the satisfaction of a red pop-sickle and how grand my imagination was. I was so naturally creative and even more natural with sharing it no matter how out there they were judged. No fear of rejection from “grown-ups” and the “real world”.

So what do I occupy now? What happened? When did it change?

Some would say life, others would say growing up. But who said that growing up meant you had to stop believing and having hope. Who said that imagination is something only limited to children? Who said that you had to grow up out of your dreams? Why do we have to revoke that privilege, that right?

Holding on to my dreams has proven to be a life long struggle that will go on until my last days because I seem to never stop dreaming new dreams. But what seems to overpower such tribulation is having faith in myself, dreams, etc.

Based on my own experience, I’ve come to see that the need to be in control of it all is what weakens the faith. And when I say “faith” it isn’t restricted to a certain religion. I speak of the “power of faith” and when I say “all” I am speaking of actions, reactions, outcomes and essentials.

I remember when I had sat myself down awhile ago and made a “5-year plan”. I had year 1 planned, year 2 was just as meticulous, year 3 would be a trying year but it was only to get to year 4 that consisted of much more planning in order to achieve year 5. And year 5 would be the year of victory, that’s when I would be satisfied and happy.  Now that I think about it, I laugh inside and feel for myself back when. How more naive and narrow minded could I have been?

I will confess that I am a control freak who is very bossy, there is no denying that. I will also confess that even though these characteristics come in handy and are prominent in my personality makeup, they have also been the source and reason for series of depression and stress in my life. Yes, this diva knows depression well.

I have and still am learning the lesson that I am not in control. To be clear, there is no harm in having an idea and an expectation of where and what I want my life to be. I can strive toward the goal(s) but for me to actually consider myself in control is insane.

Some don’t believe in destiny, they say there is no such thing as fate. I consider myself to be a very open-minded individual but that is one notion I cannot agree with. For me to agree with that would be me turning my nose up to all that has unfolded within my life. It’s there in the blueprint.

Life is a journey and it doesn’t come with a “how-to” book. How great would it be if it did? Yet how boring and dull would life be? Food for thought…..

Along with being a bossy control freak, I am a thinker. I am always trying to get the facts; the who, what, when, why and sometimes how. I will sometimes sit up in the middle of the night and rack my brain trying to come to a conclusion about something that just…doesn’t…make…sense. I have to know.

But what to do when I don’t know? What to do when there is no explanation that I can fathom to make it make sense? Can I really just throw my hands in the air and say, “I don’t know! I just don’t know!”. I struggle with that, along with the headaches that follow. That’s an understatement, the migraines!

So, are there things we are just not meant to know? Could that be possible? The answer I have reluctantly accepted is yes.

Yes, there are things that come about that will blow your mind and leave you speechless. Yes, there are things that you wish you could resolve and figure out that will always remain a mystery. This is where faith becomes essential to moving along; faith in the process.

As a control freak and over thinker, faith is the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s the only thing that keeps me from busting at the seams from frustration.

Having faith in the divine, in the universe, in a higher power takes the pressure of my shoulders; it allows me to breathe and focus on things that are more positive and beneficial to me. One has to be very stingy and protective of their focus and time; limitation is a must.

Confession: I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have a crystal ball that shows what will be and the turns I need to take. There are days when I feel as though I am walking on eggshells and days when I don’t want to be asked questions because I will have to acknowledge I am in the dark. The horror!!! Me, feeling small?

I am learning to “go with the flow”, as corny as it sounds. To force life and things to go the way we think they should be is such an injustice to oneself and their dreams. Hope is build on the unknown, faith is what holds up together from day to day and dreams are what helps us get up when we fall.

I have such a strong belief that having big dreams is not childish; it’s actually something I consider very noble. To stand in the face of all that was, is and will be and have faith in your dreams is a grand thing! It’s a beautiful thing. It’s what builds character and identity. Your dreams are yours, never let the past or unknown take it away. Never let life intimidate you out of living. 
Dream Out Loud!

“I believe God is managing affairs and that he doesn’t need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about.”       

-Henry Ford

-@BMynroe

   xoxo