The Approval

The Approval

              

   That need for approval keeps me locked away from myself…..         

It’s grown into a dangerous addiction,

A dangerous obsession.

These four walls are built with the plenty uninvited but so expected criticisms that I get.

The blueprint of my mind only gets smaller and tighter by every devastating blow of rejection.

The pressure on my chest grows heavier, growing stronger than I expect.

It gets harder to breathe because my surroundings are negative; the only energy "this place" knows.

The overhead lights are so dim. There's no light bright enough for me to see my own reflection, let alone know it.

All I can go by is what they perceive, assume and feel about me.

Although my sight is blinded by the overhead harsh lights,

My hearing is still intact.

I hear them.

I hear the jumbled reviews of the person that is me,

The person they want,

The person they look down upon,

The person they want me to be.

I never see the faces, never know the names.

But I know the voices, the jeers.

I know them well.

 Those assumptions and opinions become my guide,

no matter how contrary and contradicting they are.

No matter how inconsistent and impossible they bore,

I allow them to sink into my subconscious,

Sinking into a nice warm place in my soul,

Vowing to never share the sacred place.

No communication,

 No connection,

 No life source springs here.

Just a check list given,

 Of all that I have done wrong that will never be forgotten…

And certainly not forgiven.

Only the sound of my panicked, worried and tired heart beating seems to accompany the quiet;

Although never strong enough to break the silence.

There is no room for error,

 For some believe I've had my fair share.

There's no room to grow.

There's no time to come into my own.

"NOW! RIGHT NOW!" is the "encouragement" I receive.

The need for approval is deafening,

I sometimes lose myself.

I miss myself.

I’ve left myself somewhere down the road,

 In the surrounding fog of life.

 Whenever I do get a wave of my voice,

My distinguishing voice,

 I question if it's mine or someone else.

It seems so far away.

Is my voice being used as a ruse to walk deeper into a trap?

A trap,

 Which I will be so deep into,

Before I realize I’m in danger.

It will be too late.

The approval---

 From others is something that I never asked or searched for.

It’s something that disguised its self as

Love, as only,

Suggestions that led to demands.

Wolf in sheep’s clothing,

Slowly creeping to me as if shy,

Yet only studying and mastering my fundamentals,

Leaving me feeling like a fool.

I've learned it's a side effect of being human and human is all I know to be....

-@BMynroe

xoxo

(RaChelle-Denise McKinney)